Have you ever wondered how someone can do something bad, like really really bad, and the people around them just forgive them. How you, yourself can do something bad, something so bad that 1/2 way through it you, yourself think that there is no way you are going to be able to redeem yourself. Everyone has regrets. Some people have bigger ones than others sure, but to everyone theirs seem worse. My biggest regret comes from something I did as a kid. I won’t tell you what exactly wast said, but I and everyone that was …or got involved still remember and I’m pretty sure they still hold it against me.
I must have been in middle school, and a bunch of my friends were saying a phrase at random times and we all thought it was hilarious. Harmless. Well the problem was it probably was hilarious, in its place, but when used incorrectly it was not so funny. So I was talking to a kid and said it to him. When I said it to this kid, I honestly did not know that it even applied to him, but it did and it hurt him deeply. He still thinks about it today.
A couple days after, I got an ugly phone call. His parents called me and asked me if I had been bullying this little boy. To which I said NO! He was one of my favorite people and would never hurt him on purpose. I would never hurt anyone if I can help it. They asked me if I had said what I did to him. Yeah, I said that, it it was a joke. We all laughed. At least I thought we had. Maybe it was just me that had laughed. I didn’t possibly think it was offensive.
That my friends, was the first time I learned about race. Race was never made a big deal to me, so I never really even thought about it. Honest. I still don’t really. I am a 24 year old woman, about to be 25 and this happened at the very least 10 years ago. Yet, I still think about it and my heart sinks every time. I doubt I’ve been forgiven, and honestly feel like I shouldn’t. It was a good lesson. It taught me to make sure I know what I am saying, before just go around saying something because everyone else is. I may have been a kid when it happened, but I should have been old enough to know that perhaps it was not phrase that needed to be said.
This is my biggest regret, this is what I feel the worst about in my life. That my ignorance made this kid cry and think that I didn’t like him because of the color of his skin. No matter how much I apologize to him, he will never forget about the first time he was made to feel lesser for something that is out of his control.